Keeping Up Appearances

Today, and the past two weeks I have been like a rodent in a cage. I have my food bowl (my kitchen), my warm nesting place (my bed), and even a rodent wheel (my exercise bike), but yet I feel trapped. I hate being set back, even in the most rewarding of times. When the novelty of a new child wears off, much like that of a pet, you still give it attention and love, and yet you do what is nessecary and not going the extra mile.

It's been excruciatingly painful for me not to have the support of my maternal family, and extended family in this precious time of my life. And like all things caged, I am unable to do anything about my situation. I cannot make my body heal faster, I cannot expect to lose the pregnancy weight immediatly. I cannot make my body and mind stop wishing it were still pregnant. And worse, I can't stop the cloud that hangs over this guilded cage leaving me without joy or satisfaction in my self and in my newborn child.

So I pretend to be happy in front of other people, but my husband, and myself know what lurks behind the smiles. A restless, listless rodent, spinning the wheels in her head, going around teh same set of events and wondering how I trapped myself here, and how to make myself happier. Would I change it if I could?: Always the same answer- No. But why then am I so unhappy? My only answer. Hormones, lack of contact with the sunshine and outside world, and a body which is foriegn, strange, and not mine anymore.

I am not only trapped in my own home, but I am trapped in myself, with doubts I'll ever resurface to find me. Thank God I have an anchor that brings me back to myself, a constant sunshine, my wonderful husband. But I must admit, even that only allievates the pain, it doesn't solve it.

I have a lot of soul searching to do, and I must be patient with myself and my current situation. I think it's time to get back into art, and release these negative hormonal emotions, so I don't keep them inside anymore. I love being a mother and a wife. But who am I anymore?