Today, and the past two weeks I have been like a rodent in a cage. I have my food bowl (my kitchen), my warm nesting place (my bed), and even a rodent wheel (my exercise bike), but yet I feel trapped. I hate being set back, even in the most rewarding of times. When the novelty of a new child wears off, much like that of a pet, you still give it attention and love, and yet you do what is nessecary and not going the extra mile.
It's been excruciatingly painful for me not to have the support of my maternal family, and extended family in this precious time of my life. And like all things caged, I am unable to do anything about my situation. I cannot make my body heal faster, I cannot expect to lose the pregnancy weight immediatly. I cannot make my body and mind stop wishing it were still pregnant. And worse, I can't stop the cloud that hangs over this guilded cage leaving me without joy or satisfaction in my self and in my newborn child.
So I pretend to be happy in front of other people, but my husband, and myself know what lurks behind the smiles. A restless, listless rodent, spinning the wheels in her head, going around teh same set of events and wondering how I trapped myself here, and how to make myself happier. Would I change it if I could?: Always the same answer- No. But why then am I so unhappy? My only answer. Hormones, lack of contact with the sunshine and outside world, and a body which is foriegn, strange, and not mine anymore.
I am not only trapped in my own home, but I am trapped in myself, with doubts I'll ever resurface to find me. Thank God I have an anchor that brings me back to myself, a constant sunshine, my wonderful husband. But I must admit, even that only allievates the pain, it doesn't solve it.
I have a lot of soul searching to do, and I must be patient with myself and my current situation. I think it's time to get back into art, and release these negative hormonal emotions, so I don't keep them inside anymore. I love being a mother and a wife. But who am I anymore?
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Saturday, December 08, 2007
The first week
I can't believe my daughter is one week old. This week has been a bit crazy. We've all been sick, including Natasha. (excluding Rose thankfully) and I've been breastfeeding while being sick. Amazingly I am still going strong. Thanks to Lanolin, which is a lifesaver. It's basically a cream specifically for breastfeeding mums and let me tell you it works wonders.
Alex is still sick, he's worried he has bronchitis so we're seeing a doctor later today. I myself have been up too long and need sleep. But breastfeeding makes me a bit wired physically so I need to wear myself down before exhaustion lets me sleep.
Also my brain is going in circles because of a recent proposal my mother made for our family to come back to the U.S.A.
Anyways, we're very seriously considering it. With that tantalizing tidbit I will leave the details for a later date. As well as more pictures. Life is so much more amusing than anything anyone could make up. I love it.
Alex is still sick, he's worried he has bronchitis so we're seeing a doctor later today. I myself have been up too long and need sleep. But breastfeeding makes me a bit wired physically so I need to wear myself down before exhaustion lets me sleep.
Also my brain is going in circles because of a recent proposal my mother made for our family to come back to the U.S.A.
Anyways, we're very seriously considering it. With that tantalizing tidbit I will leave the details for a later date. As well as more pictures. Life is so much more amusing than anything anyone could make up. I love it.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
The Real Deal
On Friday the 30th of November, I last posted in my blog about the successful Cephalic Version. Unfortunatly my waters did not break in the hospital, but I was lucky in that I did still start labor that evening.
It started with a rainy night, Christmas Lights, a family outing. Alex and I had decided to treat ourselves to movies since christmas will be rather slim this year and besides we were looking forward to the best christmas present ever: Rosemarie.
The day had been pleasant as I traveled home, and I was in high spirits. I had decided for myself to try everything in my power to get contractions started as I knew this would be the oppertune moment. The baby was head down, I was already off my blood thinner medication from that morning and I was past the 37 week marker. Hence the bus travel home, as i ws on the bus I bumped into my husbands best friends girlfriend. She was also a work colleague, and a very lovely young woman. We chit chatted till I got off at my bus stop, and then I walked a forth of a mile home.
I knew getting contractions started wouldn't be hard, it would be keeping them that would be the problem. So, after walking home, I enticed alex to some alone time, seeing as it would most likely be the last he'd be getting for a VERY long time. When that failed to work, I asked him to make curry for dinner, and started doing vigorous housework. Up until this point I had been trying everything in my power to make the contractions go away, so it was quite bizzarre to have the go-ahead to try to get into labor. I must have started having contractions about that point, but being the skeptic I am, I wrote them off as braxton-hicks.
This was about 4 in the afternoon. We had decided at this point, even with the bleary weather to go out and get a few items from the store and get a movie to watch for dinner. Besides Alex was missing some essential curry items to finish the meal. So we walked into town, bundling up Natasha for the rainy weather. It was already dark outside. I remembering asking alex to stop at the public toilets, even though I'd already went right before we left. I suppose that should have clued me in, but with the whole irritable uterus I had been diagnosed with, I decided it was no pain no gain anyway and still ignored the contractions.
After walking around town for an hour we got home with all our supplies and I was really having a hard time at this point. Holding a conversation was not even possible. I took care of natasha's needs first, and then the groceries, and then I collapsed on all fours in the living room whimpering. I think at that point I finnally convinced myself, and my husband that this was the real thing. So I asked him to call the hospital for me. Unfortunatly, we don't have a car, so getting me there was proving a bit of a problem. We had used the rest of our change on a taxi back home in the first place, so a taxi was also out of the question.
I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to do anything about any of this, and in the end we got an ambulance to drive me from one side of town to the other. Unfortunatly, it was the christmas lights bananza and all the main roads had been blocked off. I don't really recall how long it took to get there, as I was on Gas and Air (Laughing Gas) the whole time. When they checked me into the maternity Unit in town, they called up Bath to see if I needed to go up there, but was told I didn't need to. Which was great as the local hospital was much more cosy, and as I found out later I was the only one giving birth there that evening. By now the time was 7:30 pm, and I got checked by a midwife, to find out I was already 5 cm dialated and partially effaced. Unfortunatly, my waters STILL hadn't broken.
I called alex, and he made it in for 8:30 after our mother-in-law agreed to watch Natasha. No one was believing the baby was actually coming, and who was to blame them? I had had so many false alarms that at this point even I Was still second-guessing myself. However 3 hours into labor I was another cm dialated, and slightly more effeaced, but it was taking a long time to progress it seemed like. They called up bath again, and got the go-ahead to break my waters. I was so thrilled, at this point it meant there was no turning back! This baby really was coming.
I had a very mobile birth, or as far as was possible since they kept a close moniter on my child's heart beat because she just had a very low base line (110-115bps). I tried to keep on my feet as much as possible but the whole birht my contractions never got closer than 4 minutes apart. They were intense, but never close together. I stayed on gas and air until 7 cm dialated after my waters had been broken for me. I dont know if my body know how to break waters really. Or maybe that's just the way my body labors.
In any case, I asked for some pethadine, but I was reluctant to take it, since it was a morphine-based drug, and could pass into the placenta, making both myself and the child drowsy. I didn't want to prolong this birth any more than nessecary. It was already close to 7 hours and 45 mins into labor, and I was really tired, hot, had been sick multiple times, and just wanted this over and done with.
Alex was a constant support, he sang to me to calm me down, rubbed my back and held my hand. He would rub a damp cloth on my face neck and back. Most of those details are fuzzy as I was a bit delirious at this point, and not from pethadine. That would take at least 20 minutes to get into my system as an injection. However, I do remember clearly asking alex for a blessing to help this labor along, as I was terrified the pethadine would affect the baby, but the pain was intolerable. Alex gave me a sweet short blessing.
(FYI: For those who don't know the Latter-Day Saint Faith, a Blessing is an act, much like biblical times, when a man with the proper Priesthood authority lays their hands upon a persons head to administer words, comfort and even healing from God. The church's explination of the Priesthood and blessings can be found www.mormon.org).
I believe that blessing calmed me down a lot, and I felt as though angel's gathered around me in support of such a special moment, because I felt the urge to push and it was beautiful. I recall little of the pain now, as all I can remember is standing up, then on the bed on all fours, screaming. I wasn't sceaming in panic, just in a very gutteral primal way, that only childbirth can bring out in someone. I felt her head emerge, and I had to wait three long painful minutes until the rest of her came out. I had three pushes, and my child, including placenta was born. Rosemarie Sue.
She was and is gorgeous. She is smaller than my first, and I only slightly tore. I had no abnormal bleeding, and I was about to go home in less than 24 hours. I was so relieved to have it over, and guess what, the pethadine kicked in right after birth, 15 minutes later, to relieve me of the horrible after birth pains that you can get.
All in all, I have to say that delivery was the closest to perfect anyone could expect to get. In the end I didn't even use the gas and air, as I just needed to be in that moment. I really relish this birth experience and I feel like I've come out a stronger, healthier, and more emotionally stable person than before. Even with all the complications before hand, and the worry about my DVT, all of it was taken care of, and I can't help but praise God for his hand in this event in my life.
Because really, holding my child after she was born, really only proved that God is real. He gave me such a precious gift in the birth and in my child. I love both my children so dearly.
It started with a rainy night, Christmas Lights, a family outing. Alex and I had decided to treat ourselves to movies since christmas will be rather slim this year and besides we were looking forward to the best christmas present ever: Rosemarie.
The day had been pleasant as I traveled home, and I was in high spirits. I had decided for myself to try everything in my power to get contractions started as I knew this would be the oppertune moment. The baby was head down, I was already off my blood thinner medication from that morning and I was past the 37 week marker. Hence the bus travel home, as i ws on the bus I bumped into my husbands best friends girlfriend. She was also a work colleague, and a very lovely young woman. We chit chatted till I got off at my bus stop, and then I walked a forth of a mile home.
I knew getting contractions started wouldn't be hard, it would be keeping them that would be the problem. So, after walking home, I enticed alex to some alone time, seeing as it would most likely be the last he'd be getting for a VERY long time. When that failed to work, I asked him to make curry for dinner, and started doing vigorous housework. Up until this point I had been trying everything in my power to make the contractions go away, so it was quite bizzarre to have the go-ahead to try to get into labor. I must have started having contractions about that point, but being the skeptic I am, I wrote them off as braxton-hicks.
This was about 4 in the afternoon. We had decided at this point, even with the bleary weather to go out and get a few items from the store and get a movie to watch for dinner. Besides Alex was missing some essential curry items to finish the meal. So we walked into town, bundling up Natasha for the rainy weather. It was already dark outside. I remembering asking alex to stop at the public toilets, even though I'd already went right before we left. I suppose that should have clued me in, but with the whole irritable uterus I had been diagnosed with, I decided it was no pain no gain anyway and still ignored the contractions.
After walking around town for an hour we got home with all our supplies and I was really having a hard time at this point. Holding a conversation was not even possible. I took care of natasha's needs first, and then the groceries, and then I collapsed on all fours in the living room whimpering. I think at that point I finnally convinced myself, and my husband that this was the real thing. So I asked him to call the hospital for me. Unfortunatly, we don't have a car, so getting me there was proving a bit of a problem. We had used the rest of our change on a taxi back home in the first place, so a taxi was also out of the question.
I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to do anything about any of this, and in the end we got an ambulance to drive me from one side of town to the other. Unfortunatly, it was the christmas lights bananza and all the main roads had been blocked off. I don't really recall how long it took to get there, as I was on Gas and Air (Laughing Gas) the whole time. When they checked me into the maternity Unit in town, they called up Bath to see if I needed to go up there, but was told I didn't need to. Which was great as the local hospital was much more cosy, and as I found out later I was the only one giving birth there that evening. By now the time was 7:30 pm, and I got checked by a midwife, to find out I was already 5 cm dialated and partially effaced. Unfortunatly, my waters STILL hadn't broken.
I called alex, and he made it in for 8:30 after our mother-in-law agreed to watch Natasha. No one was believing the baby was actually coming, and who was to blame them? I had had so many false alarms that at this point even I Was still second-guessing myself. However 3 hours into labor I was another cm dialated, and slightly more effeaced, but it was taking a long time to progress it seemed like. They called up bath again, and got the go-ahead to break my waters. I was so thrilled, at this point it meant there was no turning back! This baby really was coming.
I had a very mobile birth, or as far as was possible since they kept a close moniter on my child's heart beat because she just had a very low base line (110-115bps). I tried to keep on my feet as much as possible but the whole birht my contractions never got closer than 4 minutes apart. They were intense, but never close together. I stayed on gas and air until 7 cm dialated after my waters had been broken for me. I dont know if my body know how to break waters really. Or maybe that's just the way my body labors.
In any case, I asked for some pethadine, but I was reluctant to take it, since it was a morphine-based drug, and could pass into the placenta, making both myself and the child drowsy. I didn't want to prolong this birth any more than nessecary. It was already close to 7 hours and 45 mins into labor, and I was really tired, hot, had been sick multiple times, and just wanted this over and done with.
Alex was a constant support, he sang to me to calm me down, rubbed my back and held my hand. He would rub a damp cloth on my face neck and back. Most of those details are fuzzy as I was a bit delirious at this point, and not from pethadine. That would take at least 20 minutes to get into my system as an injection. However, I do remember clearly asking alex for a blessing to help this labor along, as I was terrified the pethadine would affect the baby, but the pain was intolerable. Alex gave me a sweet short blessing.
(FYI: For those who don't know the Latter-Day Saint Faith, a Blessing is an act, much like biblical times, when a man with the proper Priesthood authority lays their hands upon a persons head to administer words, comfort and even healing from God. The church's explination of the Priesthood and blessings can be found www.mormon.org).
I believe that blessing calmed me down a lot, and I felt as though angel's gathered around me in support of such a special moment, because I felt the urge to push and it was beautiful. I recall little of the pain now, as all I can remember is standing up, then on the bed on all fours, screaming. I wasn't sceaming in panic, just in a very gutteral primal way, that only childbirth can bring out in someone. I felt her head emerge, and I had to wait three long painful minutes until the rest of her came out. I had three pushes, and my child, including placenta was born. Rosemarie Sue.
She was and is gorgeous. She is smaller than my first, and I only slightly tore. I had no abnormal bleeding, and I was about to go home in less than 24 hours. I was so relieved to have it over, and guess what, the pethadine kicked in right after birth, 15 minutes later, to relieve me of the horrible after birth pains that you can get.
All in all, I have to say that delivery was the closest to perfect anyone could expect to get. In the end I didn't even use the gas and air, as I just needed to be in that moment. I really relish this birth experience and I feel like I've come out a stronger, healthier, and more emotionally stable person than before. Even with all the complications before hand, and the worry about my DVT, all of it was taken care of, and I can't help but praise God for his hand in this event in my life.
Because really, holding my child after she was born, really only proved that God is real. He gave me such a precious gift in the birth and in my child. I love both my children so dearly.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Introducing Rosemarie Sue
Born on December 1st, 2007 at 3:07am GMT. Weighing 6lbs 7 oz.
Here's is a few pictures since then :D Birth Story and more pictures coming shortly.
FYI this picture is of my mother-in-law Glen, eldest daughter Natasha, and youngest daughter Rose.
Here's is a few pictures since then :D Birth Story and more pictures coming shortly.
FYI this picture is of my mother-in-law Glen, eldest daughter Natasha, and youngest daughter Rose.
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