Forgiveness is harder to give than it seems

I having a hard time letting a certain memory go about a man who betrayed my families trust, the church's trust and got away with it.

Which such precious feelings I have towards the church, and my true belief that it IS the one true church, I find it astonishing that young men, specifically soon-to-be missionaries can take those precious teachings and make them so wrong.

What right does a man who is fornicating my younger sister have to go on a mission only a month later? Not only was she younger than him but a minor, him shortly turning 19 at the time, and her only barely 14. In any other state that Utah, and in any other culture than that of Utah this would have been not so lightly handled. And where was the voices and cries of the people against this man?

I was reading This Blog about the missionaries who tried to baptise underage people, and those in sporting avents in South America. And the reason it ties in with my previous concerns about Missionary X that so blantantly went against the rules and fornicated with my sister, is that he went to south america. And while there continued to correspond with my sister, continued to say how much he loved her, and yet found a young woman there who married him only a few short months after he returned home.

After all this my family, and my brother who is his best friend, STILL forgive him. I find it not only wrong that he did those things to my sister, who was young an impressionable, but that he continued to pursue women on his mission, and who knows if he was fornicating with her too! Why is someone like that allowed a temple married, conviently within a few months of his mission, and yet hard working saints like my husband who struggle with being a convert, not having gone on a mission and all that, got blantantly told he couldn't go to the temple yet from a bishop who simply didn't like or understand him.

I'm really angry that so many people just let this go, and let it slide. Everyone has forgotten now, but I havn't. What kind of example was he to those South American people? And to my sister? Who now can't live with out sex or a man since him, who has fallen away from the churhc at a tender young age of 16, after he broke her heart! I'm not saying my sister was completely innocent, but come on at 19 you should know you actions affect other people, and at 14 you're only just understand who you are and what it means to be you.

I don't know if I will ever forgive Missionary X. And it makes me sad to think that.

It all came to head last night that I realized I don't like men. It causes a barrier between me and my husband, my step-dad, my relations with any man, and even my ability to get a job. It's amazing to me that alex puts up with it, as every day I can't stand the way men can abuse the system, especially in the hcurch, and get away with it. I think I might be less bitter if I wasn't raped as a child, and continually see images of that when ever I even think of other men who tried to do the same to other women. Convincing a 14 year old she wants sex with him, is as bad as rape even if nothing happened, becuase the emotional damage is there, and I watched as she became bitter about men too because of that one Missionary.

I pray every day I can let go of this bitterness that eats it's way inside of me. I pray every day that I won't dislike men, and that I can over come this. I just hope some day soon those prayers are answered, for the sake of my peace of mind, and because I can't move forward holding on to the past like this.

Edit: After reading THIS POST...It really hit me hard spiritually. Like knock you off your feet with the holy Ghost. I have much to reflect on and much emotional baggage to shed.